Season IX Preview

8. Quagmire Crackerjacks

2012 Over-Under: 5-8
2011 Finish: 3-11, Toilet Bowl Victory

Analysis: We got no quarterback! We got no running backs! Our pets heads are falling off!

Uncle Bobby B's Jacks are not a poor squad, they just happen to be in the SEC West of fantasy football, where you play 9 of 13 games against division opponents. Off-season moves for Bobby B have been substantial and beneficial, but there's three down sides (like a monkey with an erection): The other three teams in Mason Conference, hospital bills, and postpartum depression. Sorry, man.

7. Salty Dawgs

2012 Over-Under: 5-9
2011 Finsih: 7-9, Bourbon Bowl Champion

Analysis: The first two observations give a clear picture-- first, The Salty Dawgs are formerly Rhymes With Punt. Many of you were unsure of who that might be without that clarification because it had been back-side-to-backside Toilet Bowl Championships for Ambassador Foxwell, and three straight seasons without a playoff berth.

Second, a tight end is the best player on the team by far.

Ouch.

The shining finish gave way to a FedEx package sent to FedEx field with The Dawg's Bourbon Bowl trophy now on display there. Fred Jackson, Welker, and Gronk will have to repeat their performances to find the same 7-win fairway again in 2012.

6. Left Hand Shame (formerly TBA)

2012 Over-Under: 6-7
2011 Finish: 5-9, Toilet Bowl Champions

Analysis: Vying for the title "Biggest Cowboy Homer" in the league is a tough title to strip from the thumb-swapping Gable brothers, but Noah may have done it in the off-season when he picked up DeMarco Murray. The good news about the squad is that two teams in his division got worse from weird trading philosophies or atrophy, but he'll have to do better to find his first TCFL playoff berth with a conspicuous absence of super-elites on the current roster, and no draft picks until the 3rd round to supplement.

5. Sexual Chocolate

2012 Over-Under: 8-5
2011 Finish: 6-10

Analysis: The artist formerly known as "Big Citrus" had one of the biggest and best off-seasons in recent TCFL memory. Huge upgrades at receiver and running back aren't digging for the fashionably young picks, or the hype of second round picks, but rather steady and measurable growth that translates to wins.

William Stylz Johnson took what had been an historically schizophrenic team philosophy with a .500 record to a real championship contender in the toughest division in sports entertainment. MJD and Steven Jackson anchor a running game, while Andre Johnson and Greg Jennings head up an elite receiving tandem on par with anyone. He also has picks at 3 and 7 to round-out his roster. The ranking may be in the "bottom half" of the league, but the potential reaches all the way to the top. If there's a sleeper in the league, here he is.

4. Part Time Models

2012 Over-Under: 8-5
2011 Finish: 10-5, Super Bowl Champion

Analysis: What!?! Harold would never beat up his Landlord! I got news for ya, Pop. Harold ain't so perfect either.

The golden child and reigning league champion is not favored by the computers, but as last year proved, what the hell do computers know until they become self aware?

Brady, White, Marshall, McFadden, other guy, and the first overall pick are an improvement by default from AG's floundering mid-season line up that turned into rock stars by season's-end. Top 5 and Top 10 players abound on this roster, but the pantless machines don't inventory enough "super elites" to put him at the very top of the divisional pre-season standings...by 2.5 projected fantasy points. Like Obama dollars or Schrute Bucks. Still could win it all.

3. Rosterbaters

2012 Over-Under: 8-5
2011 Finish: 8-7, Jimmy Carter Bowl Champion

Analysis: "Bloody Shambles", "Bated himself into a corner", "Jackass' Ball"-- phrases used to describe the late off-season panic of the former champion. Self-proclaimed trend-setter and former two-time champion has several big-time pre-season favorites on the roster like Aaron Rodgers and Arian Foster. 4 weeks ago Junior had a bolstered line up that featured a proven receiver and more elite runners than a Nigerian cross-country team. But, the Baters traded a fantasy "sure thing" for the playoffs into a real "Foxwell" of chance at struggling. The good news is that he has 11 of the 8 second round picks in this year's draft, which is time enough for AG to refill his drink (in the Tom A), Foxwell to call everyone in Delaware a homo, and JB to pick up a fat girl. Traded a win-now for a win-in the past philosophy-- sounds like the Bobby Petrino of off-seasons....yet, also like Petrino's former team, still ranked in the pre-season elites.

2. Federalists

2012 Over-Under: 9-4
2011 Finish: 10-5, Jimmy Carter Bowl loss

Analysis: "Must be this tall to ride this s***!" The all-time losingist final 7 weeks of a season are wrapped up by being synonymous with losing the Jimmy Carter bowl...Jimmy Carter.

Brutal!

The team has super elites like Brees, Shady, Beanie Welllllllll.....?, Governor Wallace, and Gatsby, but Jared will be drunk (as usual) at the draft. That 9 you thought you picked up was really a Wyoming 6 or an Arkansas 4. That might be the difference in an off-season of atrophy and turning loose of players that won't come back home.

1. Lynchburg's Finest

2012 Over-Under: 9-4
2011 Finish: 11-4, Super Bowl Loss

Analysis: This may be hard-sell for number one, but it's well-rounded....like a circumcised prick. This prediction is based on high expectations for a second year QB and a RB returning to old form, and the right pieces to fit together with his first two draft picks. If those things don't come together, he might as put together a chain of very successful yogurt shops.

This franchise has a lot of expectations, but has been 2-3 in the big game and has a tendency to value youth over proven substance-- which means this ranking could be the highest achievement of the 2012 campaign for the Finest.

2 more predictions: PAIN! Lots of PAIN! and Mike Shanahan hates you.

See you in The Rock Labor Day weekend!