Week 4 Rankings

 1. My Diggs Small (80) 3-0: It wasn't pretty, but it's a win. Just like Noaer's high school girlfriend. 

2. Slytherin Football Club (20) 3-0: After getting by on lucky match ups and rugged good looks, the most handsome member of the league destroyed his week 3 opponent like a Tinder date at a John Mayer concert. Totally smashed. 

3. Sons of Apathy 2-1: He's consistent and dangerous. The Sam Pittman of fantasy football.

4. Big Red Bast 2-1: He's getting the hang of this thing. Like a 13 year old boy discovering himself. He'll be rosterbating like Junior in no time. 

5. Part Time Models 1-2: Someone call the pool man! Alan just took a dump in it on week 3 and called it a day. Now his record is a real floater when Taylor and Jefferson don't combine for 100 points.  

6. Legion of Roon 1-2: Losing two games when putting up the second and third highest scores in the efforts isn't shameful, but it's bad enough where it's like marrying a lesbian and then getting dumped at the altar by a sociopath. Just bad taste more than anything. 

7. Quagmire Crackerjacks 1-2: His face took a beating like Proctor's little member on a Rave Party dance floor, but he got the win on Sunday. 

8. Vanquishing Legion 1-2: "He's not that bad, not that good."- Troy Bendickson, referencing the pledge class of 1996, and this team here. 

9. Flying Squirrel 1-2: There is a Lemon Bowl collision course set up right now. Proctor is like Alabama, because it's always thankful for Mississippi so it's not dead last in everything. 

10. Dakless 0-3: "Hi, I'm Mississippi."- Khris Downey, yesterday. 

Week 3 Rankings

Coming into Week 3, a man still knows nothing. 

1. My Diggs Small (60) 2-0: Consistent. Dangerous. Underrated. Just like Noaer in bed. 

2. Slytherin Football Club (27) 2-0: Getting the wins. Points are for suckers. 

3. Sons of Apathy (2) 1-1: Inconsistent, but with high upside. It's either thrilling or disappointing. Just like Jordan in bed. 

4. Part Time Models (1) 1-1: You can't live every week like it's Shark Week, AG. Didn't keep the sizzle this week. 

5. Legion of Roon 1-1: Relying on clutch, big-time performances to get something going. Just like Cam in a relationship. 

6. Big Red Bastards 1-1: "How does your team go from....." what a riot this guy is. Very consistent though. Those kind of points get you a win every time, 62% of the time, Rice. 

7. Vanquishing Legion 1-1: A little manic. Sometimes frantic. Reliable for a win half the time. Just like Travis....you know what, that's enough of that schtick. 

8. Flying Squirrel 1-1: Though the output isn't real great, the low points and expectations will even have this squirrel finding a nut every once in a while. Just like Proctor on Tinder. 

9. Dakless 0-2: Look, Ma! He's not at the bottom of the league. Though he is definitely a bottom. 

10. Quagmire Crackerjacks 0-2: How's the Dalvin Cook trade going? You like that? Huh? You feel that one, Captain Compost?

Week 2 Rankings

 1. Part Time Models (100) 1-0: AG is mad, and now some of you people are gonna know about it. Week 1 featured a s***-kicking of Biblical proportions, as AG's team out-distanced the rest of the league by a ways. 

2. Slytherin Football Club 1-0: He won. It wasn't pretty. Perhaps he inherited the voodoo curse that was on Jordan's team these few years with talent not producing....but he won. 

3. My Diggs Small 1-0: In a nod to the Avette Brothers' "people don't know nothing", Noaer said "I have a blowpop for ya" in a 127-53 dump dropped right on KD's face. 

4. Vanquishing Legion 1-0: Sneaky good. Be careful when you ignore Travis....that's right when you get a letter from the IRS on Friday and face-beating on Sunday. 

5. Big Red Bastards 1-0: He won....now what does he do? Just keeping doing it, baby. Like a Harding marriage, just keep it going no matter what.

6. Sons of Apathy 0-1: Took the L, but as the name says....he don't care. 

7. Legion of Roon 0-1: The defending champ, did a full heel turn this week in a profanity-laced tirade that still linger over the Cumberland River, and basically let everyone know that he wasn't gonna take a beating like that lying down. Except when he did, and got his ace kicked.

8. Quagmire Crackerjacks 0-1: Welcome to the Dixson Conference, Bobby B. Now swallow. 

9. Flying Squirrel 0-1: Uh oh....he's taking matters into his own hands. And we don't mean a Bukkake Festival. 

10. Dakless 0-1: No one wants to beat up on our special boy...except everyone that plays him. Proctor did an odds-on bet for him to seize the Lemon Bowl title this year after game 1.