Week 8 Rankings (League Crasher Edition)

 1. My Diggs Small 5-2 (100): "Death you are my bitch lover!" It finally happened, but it took an injury and big bye to bring down the league's top scorer and odds-on favorite to win the season XIX title. Still in command of his division and his destiny. 

2. SFC 6-1: He won with 77 points on the damn board. In keeping with Rule #12 of Rules for Wedding Crashers, "When it stops being fun, break something." Spoiler Alert: It was Bobby's heart. 

Rich is still finding ways to win. 

3. Vanquishing Legion 5-2: You know how you quietly go 5-2? 

Rule #89-- "Have a big fuzzy beard and drink your bourbon." Travis shores-up both copiously. Like Iceman said to Mav, "....you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous."

4. Legion of Roon 4-3: "No excuses. Play like a champion."- Rule #76. Mission accomplished. The seven-time and defending champ finally pecker-slapped someone in a way befitting the roster.

Good talk, guys. 

5. Big Red Bastards 4-3: "If you get outed, leave. Do not run."- Rule #24. The Bast abided, and took another close loss in a low-scoring game. He'll be fine. 

6. Part Time Models 3-4: He won the hard way, by breaking rule #38, "Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up." It was the "rarely" that put AG over the top with a 71 point showing that garnered win number three on the season.

7. Sons of Apathy 3-4: Feels like he's sitting on a powder keg. Injuries, trades, and points on the bench will eventually lead Junior getting his shot. He's biding his time by employing rule #68, "Dance with the bride's grandmother." Always keeps you in the running. 

8. Quagmire Crackerjacks 2-5: "A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher." Breaking rule #37 has consequences, Bobby. Under 50 points again is like Cam circa 2014. Time to go to rehab, man. 

9. Flying Squirrel 2-5: Proctor's team has been through a lot this year......

Yeah......a lot of dick. 

10. Dakless 1-6: Our special boy is the king of Rule #29: "Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help every now and again." He's been a team player all year by letting teams gets win after win over his young squad. This week he finally ran a train on Junior's bunch in a preview of what we can expect in the years to come when the talent matures. 

Week 7 Rankings

 1. My Diggs Small (95) 5-1: Going from the one getting crapped on, to being the one taking the Diggs on other people, Noaer's started a season as strong as any in the 10-team era. Could be one for the ages- or deflate faster than Cam's ego on a third date. 

2. Slytherin Football Club (5) 5-1: Richi is also 5-1, but it's a different kind of "5-1"....you know what I'm saying? Like when his Tinder profile used to say he's "5'10, 28 years old"....only if you round up and it were a decade ago that would be correct. 

3. Vanquishing Legion 4-2: The eldest Gable is quietly shutting up the competition, just like he did when he was growing up. By being the stronger, wiser one.....of Alan and Jared. Which is what being 4-2 in the Dixon Conference is like this season. 

4. Big Red Bastardos 4-2: Just like every other facet of his life, he's just getting it done. Are we surprised? Yes. Should we be? No. 

5. Legion of Roon 3-3: Being the second highest scoring team in the league is kinda like being the second oldest Gable; profoundly average in looks, but with A LOT of potential. His mother is very proud of him though. 

6. Sons of Apathy 3-3: You had one job this week, man. One job. Don't worry though, his team has all but secured a playoff spot already because, as I mentioned earlier (whispers) "that conference has some confidence issues."   

7. Part Time Models 2-4: Everyone is wondering if they should tell AG's team that the season continued after week 1, but no one really wants to poke that bear. In a year that looked to be AG's to lose, he's now facing some early season disappointment. Just like that one time Mama Gable told JB that he was her favorite twin. Devastating. Happy birthday though!

8. Flying Squirrel 2-4: That's right, AG and Proctor have the same record through six games-- so he just won that lotteryesque odds $2.5 mill prop bet he made in June. You beautiful genius, you. 

9. Quagmire Crackerjacks 2-4: We're all looking at Bobby's team like his third grade teacher did asking, "what the hell wrong with you?" Fewer points than Proctor's squad and a roster that can't decide if it's past its' prime or not. 

10. Dakless 0-6: Like the youngest brother who is suddenly bigger than his brothers, this team's young talent is gonna put it together all of the sudden one week, and then we're all gonna be in trouble. The most patient man any of us know is applying his wisdom to the TCFL, and then we'll all be playing catch up.....but it'll be at least next year. This year he has a date with the Lemon Bowl circled on the calendar.

Week 6 Rankings

 1. Slytherin Football Club (60) 4-1: In a game only a stripper on cocaine could love, Richi lays his first loss like a champ-- with the third highest score in the league. 

2. My Diggs Small (30) 4-1: In the WTF game of the week, Proctor slapped Noaer right in the face with his nuts. And not in the fun kind of way either. The kind you usually have to pay extra for. 

3. Vanquishing Legion (6) 3-2: Gotta give some credit where it's due, and much like Melissa for another baby....it's due right now for Travis. 

4. Sons of Apathy (3) 3-2: I mean, it's whatever, I guess.

5. Big Red Basts (1) 3-2: Rice takes a beating in his worst outing so far of his TCFL career. There's a rumor Devante Adams is on the trading block too. 

6. Part Time Models 2-3: They are as inconsistent as a dysregulated schizophrenic's bowel movement after an acid trip....but they're entertaining. 

7. Legion of Roon 2-3: Also entertaining, more of in a, "will Taylor Swift slip a nip getting out of the car" sort of way-- it wouldn't really matter it did peak out. No one is paying attention to a losing squad. 

8.  Flying Squirrel 2-3: He flew deez nuts right to KC, saw the Chiefs win, had Brady party with the offense like it's 2015, and is now about to have some semi-safe and semi-consensual over the pants hands stuff with a he-lady at a rave.....so, just about a typical Monday Night for Proctor. 

9. Quagmire Crackerjacks 2-3: Like his face, it's not pretty, it hurts, and people just want to make sure he's on enough pain killers to sedate a small horse so he doesn't feel this one in full stride. 

10. Dakless 0-5: There's a lot of potential on this team. Just not for this year. And not in the starting spots. And not at a couple of positions. But.....maybe one day they could be good enough to win a game or two.

Week 5 Rankings

 

1. My Diggs Small (90) 4-0: Noaer is racking up a list quality wins that are as long as my…..well, it’s long.
2. Slytherin Football Club (10) 4-0: Richi racked up just enough points to beat only 2 other teams in the league, but as Proctor always says— all you need to beat is one little prick at the end of the night for a win.
3. Big Red Bast 3-1: No Manacaping here. Rice just goes Full Bush week-in, week-out. Like a majestic eagle. 
4. Quagmire Crackerjacks 2-2: Won a high scoring shootout to crawl back to even. Just like that time Melissa got pregnant with their eighth kid. 
5. Vanquishing Legion 2-2: It was a steady, impressive performance. Just like that one time Amy called his performance “adequate.”
6. Sons of Apathy 2-2: No one knows what to with this team, and no one cares. Aptly named. 
7. Part Time Models 1-3: It's 12:02, just me and you…And seven other dudes around you on the dance-floor.
8. Legion of Roon 1-3: “You could fill two internets with what I don’t know about football.”- Ted Lasso”- Cameron Clark
9. Flying Squirrel 1-3: Losing with 106 points on the board is a lot like being on a date, everything’s going great. You get her back to your place, and you find out she’s got a 10 pin up her dress. Brutal. Still got laid, but not the way he was hoping for…
10. Dakless 0-4: Chaos is a ladder