Week 13 Rankings and Playoff Scenarios

 In a superfluously bad season for records and scoring, here is the lay of the land heading into the final week of the regular season, and it looks a lot like no mans land between the trenches of WWI.

1. Slytherin Football Club (40) 8-4: Rich controls his own destiny in locking up a Dixon Division Championship and a bye. If he beats The Bast this week after having had a potential Super Bowl preview victory of Noaer last week, he's in like Flynn. 

2. Vanquishing Legion (40) 8-4: The Dean of Tuesday & Co, the Chief of Staff himself, has had quite the season. He's the highest scoring team in the division, is tied in overall record, owns the tie breaker in headed-to-head over Rich, but had a strange start to the season which has him one game out in his division record of Rich. Travis needs a win and Rich to lose to claim the division.

3. My Diggs Small (10) 7-5: The highest scoring team in the league has been on skid row lately despite putting up some points. He's dropped 4 of the last 6 games, but if he manages to beat a very salty and dangerous Junior-led squad, he'll claim another division crown. 

4. Part Time Models (10) 7-5: "jUsT mAkE tHe pLaYoFfS." Well, he did already after coming up 1 point shy of his sixth straight win. He needs to beat Jeff's meat this week, and Noaer will have to take an L for AG to stand atop the division race. 

5. Sons of Apathy 7-5: Jordan has finally climbed back into the playoffs after a shocking and inexplicable three year absence. The last time he made the playoffs, he won his 4th TCFL Championship. He did so without the help of a division title as well. Is he setting up for part deux?

6. Quagmire Crackerjacks 6-6: Bobby B has won 4 of his last 5 games and has quietly snuck back into .500 territory with his record after the big comeback win last night over AG. Unfortunately, it's not enough for him to overcome losing 5 of his first 7 games with three very good teams already having clinched playoff spots. Bobby is just 2 seasons removed from a TCFL title, so he'll back in short order. 

7. Legion of Roon 5-7: This season has been one to leave out of the history books for Roon. He's dropped 4 of his last 5 games in poor to mediocre performances. It happens to coincide with Ja'Marr Chase's injury, which is unsurprising. The top-heavy division has teams 1-3 all claiming 3 of the top 4 point-scoring spots in the league. His situation is simple in the JMTP mantra, win and wrap it up. He can still lose and make the playoffs, but The Bast will have to take it in the teeth as well. 

8. The Bast Abides 5-7: Rice squares-off with the league's #1 team where he needs to win, and Roon to lose to limp into the playoffs. 

9. Dakless 4-8: He's dangerous. Very dangerous. He ends the season playing a contextually meaningless game insofar as playoffs, but he could end the year with 6 wins, a real feat for where he started the season and so momentum to carry into season 20. 

10. Flying Squirrel 3-9: The wins have been sparse, but shocking. He played spoiler very well all year.  Now begins the rebuild process. 

Week 12 Rankings

The more we go along in this season, the more we come to realize....no one is really good this year. It's the WB Network of fantasy seasons. This week we do the Thanksgiving Throwback names. 

1. Left Hand Shame (40) 7-4: I mean, I guess. 

2. Morning Wood (30) 7-4: Why not?

3. Sherman on The Mount (20) 7-4: It is what it is. 

4. Coalition of The Thrilling (10) 7-4: Eh....

5. Bushwood Gophers 6-5: Sometimes good, sometimes shit. 

6. Lynchburg's Finest 5-6: Not the worst, not the best. Just what we're stuck with. 

7. Sexual Citrus 5-6: Ok.

8. Mafia Hitmen 5-6: Hmmm.

9. A Team Has No Name 3-8: We can work with this. 

10. Doctor Jellyfingers 3-8: We'll always have Kansas City. 

Week 11 Rankings

1. My Diggs Small (100) 7-3: The TCFL's leading scorer isn't going anywhere. He's 2.5 games ahead of the next closest team in the division. Which means, Noaer would have to drop 2 of the next 3, and AG would need to win-out in order to catch him. 

2. Vanquishing Legion 6-4: Look at this guy. In a three way tie for the lead in the division. Just counting them duckets. 

3. Part Time Models 6-4: You made him angry, and you won't like him when he's angry. 

4. Slytherin Football Club 6-4: He's wilting like lettuce in the sun. Downey gets the bragging rights all through the holidays. 

5. Sons of Apathy 6-4: Jordan has caught the front of the pack, and it's anyone's pick on who will end up on top (that's what she said).

6. Legion of Roon 5-5: The second highest scorer in the league and defending champion has not had great success this season. His team has been in neutral for a couple of weeks, splitting them 1-1, but he'd be lucky just to make the playoffs. 

7. The Bast Abides 5-5: He started-off red hot, and now his inexperience is starting to show as the marathon has worn-on. We get it, just ask people for some help, man. 

8. Dakless 3-7: Wasn't kidding around when we said we see greatness on the horizon for this young team. Fields running for his life doesn't translate to the Bears for winning, but it makes him a stud until he eventually gets killed doing it. 

9. Quagmire Crackerjacks 4-6: We thought Bobby B would beat the doors down in the new division. He did not, and now sits 2.5 games out of the playoffs with 3 games to go. 

10. Flying Squirrel 2-8: He lost a game that was the TCFL version of the Auburn-Texas A&M game. Someone had to win, even though both deserved to lose. 

Week 10 Rankings

After week eight's explosion of points, comes the oddest week of them all which featured upsets and very low scoring affairs. 

1. My Diggs Small 6-3 (70): Tough beat in a tight game to shake up the division race a bit. 

2. Vanquishing Legion (20): Travis' squad just unhinged the entire league this week going for a league season high of 148 points in a big win over Richi's squad. 

3. Slytherin Football Club (10): "F&^* Rich!!!"- Will Johnson

4. Big Red Bastards 5-4: Lost a close high-scoring upset with the first signs of life for Downey's future champion squad. 

5. Sons of Apathy 5-4: Held off an upstart Proctor in the Sunday Night game, and is in line to make the playoffs. 

6. Part Time Models 5-4: The 9th overall scorer in the league in week 9 got a crucial win, and sweep over the 10th highest score in the league. "Just make the playoffs."

7. Legion of Roon 4-5: Went full Coach Boone on his team after the 63 point Monday Night debacle. "I will break my foot off in your..."

8. Quagmire Crackerjacks 4-5: Big upset over #1 MDS in a game that typified the scores of the week. 

9. Dakless 2-7: What a win. He's the guy to keep an eye on next seaosn. 

10. Flying Squirrel 2-7: A tougher beat than his weenie gets at the Austin Airport on a Wednesday night.

Week 9 Rankings

In one of the highest scoring weeks in TCFL History, the team that put up the 9th most for the week had 93 points, which is 11 points better than the Median scores any given week.  

1. My Diggs Small (100) 6-2: Pulls off the MNF comeback win to set him up for the division crown with some ease. 

2. Slytherin Football Club 6-2: Wins some ugly games, and finally pays the piper losing in a high scoring event. Depth chart, baby. Depth chart. 

3. Big Red Bast 5-3: He's just steady as it gets. 

4. Vanquishing Legion 5-3: Got himself truly Donkey-knocked this week, but is still on trajectory to coast into the playoffs.

5. Sons of Apathy 4-4: Starting to pique at the right time. Scored the highest of all the high scoring in week 9. Can he sustain?

6. Part Time Models 4-4: Not a lot of injuries on the team. Hopkins came out of his suspension pissed off about it. He's heating up. 

7. Legion of Roon 4-4: Injuries and byes at crucial times are about to take this team out of playoff territory. He squares off with AG next week in a game that will go a long way to deciding who makes it and who doesn't in a pretty stacked division. 

8. Quagmire Crackerjacks 3-5: Getting a win here puts Bobby mathematically back into playoff contention. 

9. Flying Squirrel 2-6: Took another shot right in the acorns this week. That may be enough to distance himself out of the playoffs with one more loss. 

10. Dakless 1-7: Took Noaer an actual effort to put him down. He's averaged 104 points the last two weeks. 

Week 8 Rankings (League Crasher Edition)

 1. My Diggs Small 5-2 (100): "Death you are my bitch lover!" It finally happened, but it took an injury and big bye to bring down the league's top scorer and odds-on favorite to win the season XIX title. Still in command of his division and his destiny. 

2. SFC 6-1: He won with 77 points on the damn board. In keeping with Rule #12 of Rules for Wedding Crashers, "When it stops being fun, break something." Spoiler Alert: It was Bobby's heart. 

Rich is still finding ways to win. 

3. Vanquishing Legion 5-2: You know how you quietly go 5-2? 

Rule #89-- "Have a big fuzzy beard and drink your bourbon." Travis shores-up both copiously. Like Iceman said to Mav, "....you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous."

4. Legion of Roon 4-3: "No excuses. Play like a champion."- Rule #76. Mission accomplished. The seven-time and defending champ finally pecker-slapped someone in a way befitting the roster.

Good talk, guys. 

5. Big Red Bastards 4-3: "If you get outed, leave. Do not run."- Rule #24. The Bast abided, and took another close loss in a low-scoring game. He'll be fine. 

6. Part Time Models 3-4: He won the hard way, by breaking rule #38, "Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up." It was the "rarely" that put AG over the top with a 71 point showing that garnered win number three on the season.

7. Sons of Apathy 3-4: Feels like he's sitting on a powder keg. Injuries, trades, and points on the bench will eventually lead Junior getting his shot. He's biding his time by employing rule #68, "Dance with the bride's grandmother." Always keeps you in the running. 

8. Quagmire Crackerjacks 2-5: "A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher." Breaking rule #37 has consequences, Bobby. Under 50 points again is like Cam circa 2014. Time to go to rehab, man. 

9. Flying Squirrel 2-5: Proctor's team has been through a lot this year......

Yeah......a lot of dick. 

10. Dakless 1-6: Our special boy is the king of Rule #29: "Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help every now and again." He's been a team player all year by letting teams gets win after win over his young squad. This week he finally ran a train on Junior's bunch in a preview of what we can expect in the years to come when the talent matures. 

Week 7 Rankings

 1. My Diggs Small (95) 5-1: Going from the one getting crapped on, to being the one taking the Diggs on other people, Noaer's started a season as strong as any in the 10-team era. Could be one for the ages- or deflate faster than Cam's ego on a third date. 

2. Slytherin Football Club (5) 5-1: Richi is also 5-1, but it's a different kind of "5-1"....you know what I'm saying? Like when his Tinder profile used to say he's "5'10, 28 years old"....only if you round up and it were a decade ago that would be correct. 

3. Vanquishing Legion 4-2: The eldest Gable is quietly shutting up the competition, just like he did when he was growing up. By being the stronger, wiser one.....of Alan and Jared. Which is what being 4-2 in the Dixon Conference is like this season. 

4. Big Red Bastardos 4-2: Just like every other facet of his life, he's just getting it done. Are we surprised? Yes. Should we be? No. 

5. Legion of Roon 3-3: Being the second highest scoring team in the league is kinda like being the second oldest Gable; profoundly average in looks, but with A LOT of potential. His mother is very proud of him though. 

6. Sons of Apathy 3-3: You had one job this week, man. One job. Don't worry though, his team has all but secured a playoff spot already because, as I mentioned earlier (whispers) "that conference has some confidence issues."   

7. Part Time Models 2-4: Everyone is wondering if they should tell AG's team that the season continued after week 1, but no one really wants to poke that bear. In a year that looked to be AG's to lose, he's now facing some early season disappointment. Just like that one time Mama Gable told JB that he was her favorite twin. Devastating. Happy birthday though!

8. Flying Squirrel 2-4: That's right, AG and Proctor have the same record through six games-- so he just won that lotteryesque odds $2.5 mill prop bet he made in June. You beautiful genius, you. 

9. Quagmire Crackerjacks 2-4: We're all looking at Bobby's team like his third grade teacher did asking, "what the hell wrong with you?" Fewer points than Proctor's squad and a roster that can't decide if it's past its' prime or not. 

10. Dakless 0-6: Like the youngest brother who is suddenly bigger than his brothers, this team's young talent is gonna put it together all of the sudden one week, and then we're all gonna be in trouble. The most patient man any of us know is applying his wisdom to the TCFL, and then we'll all be playing catch up.....but it'll be at least next year. This year he has a date with the Lemon Bowl circled on the calendar.

Week 6 Rankings

 1. Slytherin Football Club (60) 4-1: In a game only a stripper on cocaine could love, Richi lays his first loss like a champ-- with the third highest score in the league. 

2. My Diggs Small (30) 4-1: In the WTF game of the week, Proctor slapped Noaer right in the face with his nuts. And not in the fun kind of way either. The kind you usually have to pay extra for. 

3. Vanquishing Legion (6) 3-2: Gotta give some credit where it's due, and much like Melissa for another baby....it's due right now for Travis. 

4. Sons of Apathy (3) 3-2: I mean, it's whatever, I guess.

5. Big Red Basts (1) 3-2: Rice takes a beating in his worst outing so far of his TCFL career. There's a rumor Devante Adams is on the trading block too. 

6. Part Time Models 2-3: They are as inconsistent as a dysregulated schizophrenic's bowel movement after an acid trip....but they're entertaining. 

7. Legion of Roon 2-3: Also entertaining, more of in a, "will Taylor Swift slip a nip getting out of the car" sort of way-- it wouldn't really matter it did peak out. No one is paying attention to a losing squad. 

8.  Flying Squirrel 2-3: He flew deez nuts right to KC, saw the Chiefs win, had Brady party with the offense like it's 2015, and is now about to have some semi-safe and semi-consensual over the pants hands stuff with a he-lady at a rave.....so, just about a typical Monday Night for Proctor. 

9. Quagmire Crackerjacks 2-3: Like his face, it's not pretty, it hurts, and people just want to make sure he's on enough pain killers to sedate a small horse so he doesn't feel this one in full stride. 

10. Dakless 0-5: There's a lot of potential on this team. Just not for this year. And not in the starting spots. And not at a couple of positions. But.....maybe one day they could be good enough to win a game or two.

Week 5 Rankings

 

1. My Diggs Small (90) 4-0: Noaer is racking up a list quality wins that are as long as my…..well, it’s long.
2. Slytherin Football Club (10) 4-0: Richi racked up just enough points to beat only 2 other teams in the league, but as Proctor always says— all you need to beat is one little prick at the end of the night for a win.
3. Big Red Bast 3-1: No Manacaping here. Rice just goes Full Bush week-in, week-out. Like a majestic eagle. 
4. Quagmire Crackerjacks 2-2: Won a high scoring shootout to crawl back to even. Just like that time Melissa got pregnant with their eighth kid. 
5. Vanquishing Legion 2-2: It was a steady, impressive performance. Just like that one time Amy called his performance “adequate.”
6. Sons of Apathy 2-2: No one knows what to with this team, and no one cares. Aptly named. 
7. Part Time Models 1-3: It's 12:02, just me and you…And seven other dudes around you on the dance-floor.
8. Legion of Roon 1-3: “You could fill two internets with what I don’t know about football.”- Ted Lasso”- Cameron Clark
9. Flying Squirrel 1-3: Losing with 106 points on the board is a lot like being on a date, everything’s going great. You get her back to your place, and you find out she’s got a 10 pin up her dress. Brutal. Still got laid, but not the way he was hoping for…
10. Dakless 0-4: Chaos is a ladder 

Week 4 Rankings

 1. My Diggs Small (80) 3-0: It wasn't pretty, but it's a win. Just like Noaer's high school girlfriend. 

2. Slytherin Football Club (20) 3-0: After getting by on lucky match ups and rugged good looks, the most handsome member of the league destroyed his week 3 opponent like a Tinder date at a John Mayer concert. Totally smashed. 

3. Sons of Apathy 2-1: He's consistent and dangerous. The Sam Pittman of fantasy football.

4. Big Red Bast 2-1: He's getting the hang of this thing. Like a 13 year old boy discovering himself. He'll be rosterbating like Junior in no time. 

5. Part Time Models 1-2: Someone call the pool man! Alan just took a dump in it on week 3 and called it a day. Now his record is a real floater when Taylor and Jefferson don't combine for 100 points.  

6. Legion of Roon 1-2: Losing two games when putting up the second and third highest scores in the efforts isn't shameful, but it's bad enough where it's like marrying a lesbian and then getting dumped at the altar by a sociopath. Just bad taste more than anything. 

7. Quagmire Crackerjacks 1-2: His face took a beating like Proctor's little member on a Rave Party dance floor, but he got the win on Sunday. 

8. Vanquishing Legion 1-2: "He's not that bad, not that good."- Troy Bendickson, referencing the pledge class of 1996, and this team here. 

9. Flying Squirrel 1-2: There is a Lemon Bowl collision course set up right now. Proctor is like Alabama, because it's always thankful for Mississippi so it's not dead last in everything. 

10. Dakless 0-3: "Hi, I'm Mississippi."- Khris Downey, yesterday. 

Week 3 Rankings

Coming into Week 3, a man still knows nothing. 

1. My Diggs Small (60) 2-0: Consistent. Dangerous. Underrated. Just like Noaer in bed. 

2. Slytherin Football Club (27) 2-0: Getting the wins. Points are for suckers. 

3. Sons of Apathy (2) 1-1: Inconsistent, but with high upside. It's either thrilling or disappointing. Just like Jordan in bed. 

4. Part Time Models (1) 1-1: You can't live every week like it's Shark Week, AG. Didn't keep the sizzle this week. 

5. Legion of Roon 1-1: Relying on clutch, big-time performances to get something going. Just like Cam in a relationship. 

6. Big Red Bastards 1-1: "How does your team go from....." what a riot this guy is. Very consistent though. Those kind of points get you a win every time, 62% of the time, Rice. 

7. Vanquishing Legion 1-1: A little manic. Sometimes frantic. Reliable for a win half the time. Just like Travis....you know what, that's enough of that schtick. 

8. Flying Squirrel 1-1: Though the output isn't real great, the low points and expectations will even have this squirrel finding a nut every once in a while. Just like Proctor on Tinder. 

9. Dakless 0-2: Look, Ma! He's not at the bottom of the league. Though he is definitely a bottom. 

10. Quagmire Crackerjacks 0-2: How's the Dalvin Cook trade going? You like that? Huh? You feel that one, Captain Compost?

Week 2 Rankings

 1. Part Time Models (100) 1-0: AG is mad, and now some of you people are gonna know about it. Week 1 featured a s***-kicking of Biblical proportions, as AG's team out-distanced the rest of the league by a ways. 

2. Slytherin Football Club 1-0: He won. It wasn't pretty. Perhaps he inherited the voodoo curse that was on Jordan's team these few years with talent not producing....but he won. 

3. My Diggs Small 1-0: In a nod to the Avette Brothers' "people don't know nothing", Noaer said "I have a blowpop for ya" in a 127-53 dump dropped right on KD's face. 

4. Vanquishing Legion 1-0: Sneaky good. Be careful when you ignore Travis....that's right when you get a letter from the IRS on Friday and face-beating on Sunday. 

5. Big Red Bastards 1-0: He won....now what does he do? Just keeping doing it, baby. Like a Harding marriage, just keep it going no matter what.

6. Sons of Apathy 0-1: Took the L, but as the name says....he don't care. 

7. Legion of Roon 0-1: The defending champ, did a full heel turn this week in a profanity-laced tirade that still linger over the Cumberland River, and basically let everyone know that he wasn't gonna take a beating like that lying down. Except when he did, and got his ace kicked.

8. Quagmire Crackerjacks 0-1: Welcome to the Dixson Conference, Bobby B. Now swallow. 

9. Flying Squirrel 0-1: Uh oh....he's taking matters into his own hands. And we don't mean a Bukkake Festival. 

10. Dakless 0-1: No one wants to beat up on our special boy...except everyone that plays him. Proctor did an odds-on bet for him to seize the Lemon Bowl title this year after game 1.

 Season 19, Preseason 

1. Slytherin Football Club (6)- The reigning Dixon Conference Champion is stacked at every position, and has phenomenal depth. Can the fantasy vet close-out a title in year 2 in the elite league? He's even money to win Super Bowl XIX.

2. Legion of Roon (2)- The seven-time and defending champ doesn't have a lot of weaknesses in the starting blocks, but depth and schedule might get him down early. 

3. Part Time Models (1)- AG has some explosive upside if his Thomas and Barkley return to form, but questions at TE and QB linger with the two-time champ. 

4. Sons of Apathy (1)- Junior's 3 straight trips to the Jimmy Carter Bowl got him pissed off enough to finally do something about it. He went on a trading spree that gave Richie some depth and balance, but stacked the Sons at the starting spot well-enough for his team to be sporting DD Cups. He's dangerous. 

5. Quagmire Crackerjacks- He's loaded for bear, but in a tough division. He has 1,000 picks this year and next year to get depth for years to come. He should be in the playoffs this season, and anything can happen in the playoffs. 

6. Vanquishing Legion- TK is sitting on a gold mine of underrated players. If they perform to their capabilities, he'll compete for a title. 

7. Big Red Bastards- It's Rice's time to shine in his first season in the league. The roster is pretty dangerous, but he'll have to learn the league trading value before he gets vultured into oblivion. 

8. My Diggs Small- Noaer isn't gonna like his synopsis as he kicks off the season unlikely to make the playoffs. His roster features too many players that will have to out-perform what they have done in the careers to date to make waves. His passing game is legitimately dangerous, but he's hanging his hat and hopes in Swift, Akers, and Hall to be his staple backs. Ouch. 

9. Return of The Dak- Downey has us right where he wants us. We haven't heard of most of his team, and he likes it that way-- just like he likes his soccer and beer. 

10. Flying Squirrel- Proctor's 8th team he's fielded is somehow both better and worse than it seems. He's building the hopes around Deebo Samuel, then hoping for the Bucs and some second team RBs to turn his franchise around. His draft needs to get some RBs in the worst way, and his youth at QB and WR might just take care of him.